ITK - The Dover Fan

Dan, we won 4-0, created shitloads of chances and the best you can do is a picture of a throw-in. It's not exactly Kevin Carter is it ;)

P.S. Keep up the good work.

Is the Ryman League shit? That's the big debate on the official site's forum this week. That and the sickening incident involving several footballers at the weekend, but we're not allowed to talk about Margate's first home win of the season.

So is the Ithsmian just a bunch of big thugs kicking people a lot or is it actually any good? Well we'll soon find out as we have to cross the estuary to visit Canvey Island 'init in sunny Essex next weekend. First things first, yes it is actually an island. There's a lesson here for our friends from the 'Isle of Thanet'. These Canvey people are the real deal, when they call a place an island they actually make sure they understand the word and ensure that the land in question is actually surrounded by water. Thanet couldn't be more firmly attached to the mainland - unfortunately (otherwise we could just give them a shove one night and they'd wake up in the morning playing in the Polish third division or something).

One thing I didn't know about Canvey Island FC until I consulted the map on their web site is that they actually play their games in a museum (it's true). And you thought sharing with the Thanet dwellers was bad? Just imagine the insurance premiums. Explains the atmosphere though.

The key historical event in the area was the 1382 Battle of Leigh Beck. It was the decisive bloody battle in the decades long Kent-Essex war. General Pikius Chapman, great-great-great-great...great-grandfather of one Daniel G. Chapman led the Men of Kent to a crushing victory over Dennis Van Outen's Essex hordes. Having secured this crucial landing ground Chapman led his men on to Lakeside where they parked their caravans and feasted in victory before going on a bender down Southend pier. In honour of his momentous victory Chapman's name was bestowed upon a local landmark.

So they may be top of their league but historical precedent is in our favour.

Anyway, about their league: is it any good? Let's look at the evidence. Ford United: crappest team we've played in years and very lucky to have had only two players sent off against us. Maidenhead United: played us when we were shit and were lucky to get away with 4-0 (we don't score four goals against just anybody). Good by Ryman standards though as they finished with only one less than a full set of players. Basingstoke: so dull I'd forgotten that they even existed. But for every Ford there's an Aldershot, Kingstonian or Hendon to cruelly wreck our dreams of glory.

Yes the draw is tough but what pisses me off is that we've got to play away. A home game would have really screwed up Margate's fixture list nicely. And there's no chance of getting back in time for the England match. I for one don't want to miss what is bound to be the nastiest international match in years.

Q: What have Margate FC got in common with a packed lunch?
A: They're both pointless at home.

There's sad news from Cheriton Road where police have set up an incident room following a burglary there. A thief broke in to the home of Folkestone Invicta FC this morning and stole the entire contents of the trophy room. A Kent Police spokesman advised the public to be on the lookout for a man carrying an amber and black carpet.

The shock news from Crabble the Hoverspeed Stadium is that 11 games into the season Dover captain Andy Arnott has played in every game and hasn't been suspended yet. There's been only a handful of cautions so far for the man who makes Martin Keown look like Gandhi (OK, it would take considerable reconstructive surgery to make Keown look like anything other than the freak he is but you get my point).

While Jamie "Chopper" Day (that new haircut makes him look like a reject from an "arty" subtitled French movie) and Deano "The Hatchet" Readings (who evidently learned everything he knows about passing football from Lee "same again barman" Shearer) have both been given their marching orders in recent matches Arnie has been a beacon of restraint. The man who could ordinarily start a fight in an empty room seems to be more concerned with playing football. And therein lies the problem. The defence just isn't scaring the opposition any more. Paul Hyde hasn't punched anybody for ages, Arnie isn't threatening to kill opposing strikers and though Danny Chapman started the season promisingly with a six game ban he hasn't been flying in two footed with that demented glint in his eye like he does when he's at his gruesome best.

Maybe it's time for Tom "The Hitman" Hickman to be given another run in the first team. I tell you when I first saw this boy play it brought a tear to my eye. Memories of Norman Hunter, Billy Bremner and Chopper Harris came flooding back. Perhaps the Supporters' Trust could arrange a fund raiser so we can afford the disciplinary fines and then Clive can pick him again. Sounds good to me.

OK, I'm going to do something I haven't done since I started writing this little journal. I'm going to be serious for a moment. No, really. I'd just like to say: what the fuck is wrong with you people? Do you really think getting rid of Clive Walker will solve all of our problems? Do you really think that we could get somebody in who could do a better job given the constraints they have to work under? I'm all for paying punters expressing their opinions as is their right to do so in a free society. But you're wrong and I'm going to use my right to voice my opinion to explain just why.

Firstly I'd like to make sure that people actually understand what being manager of Dover Athletic Football Club means. It means working within ridiculously tight financial constraints - a legacy of previous reckless regimes at the club. It means no money at all for transfers. It means not enough money for wages. It means having to release players you'd rather keep (Steve Norman). It means having to send players on loan because you can't afford their wages (Darren Davies). It means not being able to bring players in on loan even when you have long term injuries.

OK, so now we've established just how difficult a job it is. What happens when you get rid of a manager? Generally you end up paying off the remainder of his contract. So you've just made the job harder for his successor because now there's even less money. So who is that successor going to be? Well the cheap option is a proven manager from a lower league. Like Gary Bellamy perhaps? Or maybe not. Walker was head and shoulders above him. A big name like Big Nev? Sorry, Walker's record is vastly superior. Which brings me on to my next point. Loyalty. A man devotes over six years of his life to the club, through some pretty bad times. Boards changing almost monthly, people not being paid for weeks on end, the club being on the verge on bankruptcy, muppet managers being appointed, etc. But still he sticks with us and when he's given his chance he does a fantastic job. But now at the first sign of trouble you want to ditch him? They say that it's at times like these that people find out who their friends really are. There's no place for sentiment in football but there is such a thing as giving a man an even break and treating people with the respect they deserve.

So what about some the criticisms levelled at Clive? Firstly the tactics. Well sorry boys this isn't Championship Manager 4 on your PC. This is real life. You can't go trying fanciful lineups and formations then reload and try again when it doesn't work. You only get one shot and often that means sticking with something you know that works (or at least should work if the players perform). We don't have all the players that we need but that's not Clive's fault it's a money thing. I know for a fact that Clive wants to bring in players who can improve the squad and he is even more frustrated than you are that he can't. It doesn't matter who the manager is there is no money for players.

But perhaps the most bizarre criticism aimed at Mr. Walker is that he doesn't give youth a chance. Bullshit. Just list for me the number of young players that have come through the ranks and been given first team opportunities by Ryan, Taylor, O'Sullivan, Williams, Bellamy and Southall. Not a long list is it? A few games for Anthony Hogg and a brief spell in contention for John Ovard and that's about it. Clive Walker has been closely involved in the youth setup of this club for over six years. He's managed our teams in various age groups in addition to his first team responsibilites. He's been involved with the PASE scheme and he knows the abilities of the young players at this club better than anyone and he knows whether or not they can do a job in the first team. He's brought the likes of Craig Cloke up through the ranks. It was he that introduced Dean Readings and made him a first team regular. It was he who gave debuts to Cloke, Smissen and Bathgate. It was he that promoted Welch, Rodgers, Wright and co. to the first team squad. We can't expect overnight miracles these players will take time to become established but they are training with the first team and getting valuable experience as substitutes. The step up from playing for the reserves in the Kent League is a massive one.

Finally I'd like to say to this to the players. Everyone of you owes something to Clive Walker and now he needs you to start paying him back. Individual mistakes have cost us badly this season. Lets all pull together and drag ourselves out of this shit. We are a far better team than we have shown so far this season and it's time for us to prove it. Up the Whites.

OK, I've got it off my chest now. If you agree or disagree with me feel free to send an e-mail to the address at the top of the page and I will publish the best comments. Now back to taking the piss out of Margate...

The time and money wasted expended on the redevelopment of Margate's Hartsdown Park stadium could bring rewards sooner than anyone expected. The bold redevelopment project is an early favourite for a prestigious architectural award that recognises unique contributions to the renovation of our country's landscape in the 21st century.

The BBC has more details.

Dover manager Clive Walker has admitted that he tried to sign ex-White Simon Beard when he left Margate. But when we questioned our chain smoking leader whether it would have been to replace Matt Carruthers on the left he seemed shocked by the suggestion.

"No don't be daft. Matt used to be a Para. He knows how to handle himself and I don't want to upset him. I'm not going to drop him no matter how shit he plays."

So why was the chosen one hoping to lure Beard back to civilisation?

"We know that we need to be entertaining to get the crowds up. And there's nothing more entertaining than watching one of my lads try to take a ****ing penalty. Beardo's class in that respect."

As always the manager is right. Though the Mighty Whites have missed three out of four this season, Beardo is in a class of his own with two misses from the one penalty he took during his Dover career.

Two years ago Simon Beard turned down a new contract with the Mighty Whites in favour of a fat pay cheque from those lovable rascals up the coast. In doing so he gave up the beauty and culture of White Cliffs Country for a few extra quid in war-torn Marganistan. But now, just as he discarded us, so those fickle Thanet dwellers have thrown him on the scrap heap. But to be fair, what a scrap heap it is. Mount Hartsdown (the festering pile of crap that used to pass for a football ground, barely) is the highest point above sea level in an otherwise flat and barren land. But I digress.

Well Simon what goes around comes around. It seems wickedly poetic that it should be Welling United that rescue him from his Hartsdown hell ('My Hartsdown Hell - By Simon Beard' it sounds like a News of the World story). But the purgatory of the San Siro must be preferable to eternal damnation.

But despite everything I find it hard to dislike Beardo. A genuine bloke, professional and dependable as a player. I think I speak for everybody in East Kent, both the barren North and the beautiful South (including that bloke that used to be in the House Martins with Fatboy Slim), when I say so long Simon and thanks for the memories.

A reader who would like to remain anonymous has e-mailed to remind me that it was mentioned that bones were found in the dig at the new Margate Asda Stadium. He suggest this raises the issue of whatever happened to Charlie Mitten. But I am more concerned about Ritchie, things are looking grim. However it may be for the best. If he heard what JDB and co. have released since he went missing the shock may have killed him anyway.

Dover midfielder Lee Spiller has spoken exclusively to ITK about his penalty miss in yesterday's draw with Chippenham Town. It seems that a shout from the crowd was responsible for the confusion that resulted in the blonde destroyer misplacing his spot-kick (misplacing it into Hougham airspace). As Spiller was stepping up to do his duty a call from a visiting supporter was clearly audible. Spiller misheard the shout of "Come on Chippenham" and interpretted it as the advice "come on, chip him then".

Development at the Theatre of Pipe Dreams has been delayed because of archaeological discoveries but what have they found under the Hartsdown rubble? Early suggestions include Jake Leberl's long since disappeared promising football career and Phil Smith's secret stash of Regaine. One wild suggestion was quickly ruled out, there was no chance it could have been old footballs as there has been no documented occurrence of the ball remaining on the ground, never mind under it, for more than 3 seconds at Hartsdown since the reign of George VI. My personal belief is that they have found missing Manic Street Preachers guitarist Ritchie Edwards. I always suspected he had been kidnapped by a gang of Thanet dwellers on the way back from an away day at Merthyr or Newport. However the truth is that we just don't know.

If anybody knows what's going on underground at Knocked-Down Park (or if you would just like to contribute to the idle speculation) e-mail me (the address is at the top of the page) so I can let the world know. Actually even if you don't have anything to contribute e-mail me anyway, I get so lonely. And if there is anybody reading this shit, I'd like to apologise for the lameness of the lightbulb jokes below.

Q: How many Dover Athletic penalty takers does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: We're not sure, they keep missing the socket.

Q: How many Chippenham players does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: 1 (they're so bloody boring and predictable).

Q: How many Hereford supporters does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: 2. One to change the bulb and one to boast that their lightbulb changing had the highest attendance when in reality every other lightbulb changing since Edison was better supported. But they are a "big club" you know.

Q: How many Aldershot fans does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: 3. One to change the bulb, one to bang that bloody drum non-stop throughout and one to chuck stones and coins at opposition lightbulb changers.

Q: How many Margate directors does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: None. If a bulb burns out they demolish their stadium and don't bother to rebuild it thus negating the need for lightbulbs and then move in with their neighbours who have their own lighting.

Q: How many Dover directors does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: None, the club can't afford lightbulbs.

Q: How many Nuneaton supporters does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: 300 (or at least that's how many they'll claim are coming to change the bulb but only 20 or so will actually turn up).

Q: How many Crawley Town directors does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: 1, but despite the fantastic modern light socket with it's first class facilities the performance of the lightbulbs is always disappointing.

Q: How many Scarborough players does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: 2. One to change the bulb and to one to blatantly cheat and get away with it.

Q: How many Folkestone supporters does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Who knows? They've never had enough fans to try.

Q: How many Welling United supporters does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Who cares?

Simon mate, the hair, what's that all about?

I reckon that the DAFC players clubbed in together for a bottle of hair dye but by the time Hydey, Browney (looking every inch the East European fashion icon with that hair band), Spills and Bambi had finished there was only enough left for Gloves to do half his head. In the interests of the club's reputation in the non-league game it has to go. We can't have opposition fans singing "Half a haircut, you've only got half a haircut!" at our players, not to mention the whole Lipton Ice thing that was mentioned on the fans forum a while back.

"Now the world don't move to the beat of just one drum..."

It seemed like a good idea at the time but sources at Margate Football Club have been forced to admit that their buy-a-brick scheme has not been as profitable as was first hoped. It appears that £35.00 is too much for many of their loyal supporters. Life-long Margate fan Jeff told us that he had misgivings about the expense:

"I think 35 quid is too much. Being loyal to your team is one thing, but they're just ripping us off with this. I mean even if you only want to build a barbeque it's going to cost thousands of pounds, just think how much it would cost to build a wall. And what really pisses me off is that they don't deliver. I mean at Jewson the bricks are much cheaper and they do free delivery."

Fellow Margate supporter Tracey, who at least seemed to understand the scheme better than Jeff, was also critical:

"It's too ****in' much. I only get 40 quid a ****in' week off the ****in' DSS, init."

The scheme, which allows supporters to have bricks engraved with their name or another message, has had one unexpected benefit for the local community. Kent Police have reported a substantially improved success rate in clearing up vehicle crime in Thanet since the initiative was launched. Several thefts of car audio equipment have been solved after personalised bricks that had been used to break the windows were found on car passenger seats across the district.

Click here for the exclusive photograph.

ITK is proud to bring you an exclusive picture of the new Hartsdown Park. The photograph shows what Margate's new £17 million pound stadium will look like when it's finished in December 2003. A Margate spokesman said:

"Obviously we have set ourselves an ambitious target but I am confident that we can have all [38] of the pieces in place in three months' time. This is a new experience for all of us as we have never undertaken such a big project before, but our joint venture partners [in Windsor] are confident that we can achieve our aims, now that the interim financing [£29.99 RRP] is in place."

He went on to say:

"The new ground will be better than the old one in every way, except that we won't be replacing the barbed wire that used to surround the outer walls. Hopefully it will not be needed but we will monitor the situation and if we find that we are having problems with people trying to get out of the ground without watching the whole match it will have to come back."

I would like to join with all Dover fans in wishing Margate a speedy return to their spiritual home (and please don't come back).