ITK - The Dover Fan

It's Judgement Day and God is evaluating those who will enter the kingdom of heaven for all eternity. After working his way down the list he comes to a trio of Dover Athletic players and asks them to make a case for their entrance into heaven. God says "I am going to ask you what each of you believes and based on your answer I will make my decision".

First up is Jamie Day. God says "tell me Jamie, what do you believe?"

"I believe football to be the food of life. Nothing else brings such unbridled joy to so many people, from the slums of Thanet, to the mansions of River in White Cliffs Country. I have devoted my life to bring such joy to those people who stand on the terraces at Crabble."

God is clearly moved by this answer and, wiping away a tear from his eye with his Dover scarf, he says "Jamie, I would like you to sit here at my right hand for all eternity."

Next God turns his attention to Lee Spiller. "Tell me Lee, what do you believe?"

"I believe in hard work and that people should be rewarded for effort. I have spent my life trying my best and making sure that I achieve everything that I am capable of. I believe I have given everything to try to make loyal Dover supporters happy."

"Excellent!" replies God. "That's exactly the sort of attitude I like to see. I want you to sit here at my left hand for all eternity."

Finally God, sitting on his magnificent throne, flanked to his right by Jamie Day and to his left by Lee Spiller, turns his attention to Craig Wilkins. "And what do you believe Craig?"

"Er, I believe..." says Wilkins, "...that you are sitting in my place."

Q: How do we know that E.T. was a Margate fan?
A: He looks like one.

Q: What's the difference between an Airfix model aeroplane and Margate manager Chris Kinnear?
A: Only one of them is a glueless kit.

Garry Bellamy's ex-apprentice Paul Parker continues his campaign to rebuild Crabble's Conference glory days in a stylish South London setting with the acquisition of another over-the-hill ex-Dover utility player. The short-arse ex-scummer has completed the signing of funny-running Jimmy Strouts. Stroutsy, suspensions permitting, will be playing alongside the only man at Dover who was slower than him, Simon Beard. Parker hopes to utilise Strouts' legendary footballing brain and silky skills to cement his side's place just outside the relegation zone. PVR regulars are confident that Parker will put the final pieces of his jigsaw in place in the next few weeks with the anticipated signings of Dave Leworthy and Steve Restarick.

Why isn't Mark Winter's Dover Express column called 'Walking in a Winter Wonderland'? What's all this 'Hazy Shades' stuff? And as for Mick Cork's 'Touchliner', I think that should be called 'Put a Cork in it, Mick'. Regardless, it's all more memorable than the Mercury. I can't even remember who writes for them. And why is it called the Dover Mercury, other than the fact that it's just a rehashed version of the East Kent Mercury? I mean why name a newspaper after a poisonous metal that's liquid at room temperature? Why not something harmless like aluminium? The Dover Aluminium. Sounds good. Or the Dover Stainless Steel, practical and attractive.

If I were in charge I'd have a Dover newspaper dedicated to the only thing of interest in the town. My beloved DAFC. Scratch that. I'd make it about East Kent non-league football in general. It would be funnier that way. But only proper football teams, none of that Kent League rubbish. The only reason the likes of Deal, Ramsgate and Hythe play on Saturdays is so that you can tell them apart from the Sunday League teams. So that's the mighty Whites, the homeless drifters from Thanet and that shower from the Best Worn Stadium on the other side of the hill. Should we include Ashford Town? I wouldn't.

I'd call it something catchy like 'East Kent Football' or 'Kentish Football Review' or 'The Dover, Shepway and Thanet Football Gazette'. Except that last one would be misleading because there wouldn't actually be anything in it about Thanet football. In fact the only tenuous link to Thanet would be that it would cover both of Dover's senior football clubs, one of which is named after a Thanet town, for some reason that everybody has long since forgotten.