Friday, January 23, 2004
...At 666 there lives a Mister Millar, he's our local vicar and a serial killer...
Sorry, did I miss something? Did Dover Athletic torch an orphanage or mug Neil Cugley's mum or something? Just why are the supporters of Folkestone IsVictims so upset? What apocalyptic event could have provoked the Best Worn die hards in to such vitriolic rage? Is Mick Kemp selling drugs to kids outside Stripes? Did Andy Arnott steal James Dryden's sweets? Is Jamie Day parked on double yellow lines on Cheriton Road?
Well, no, it was none of those things. They're upset because a second-rate cup match was postponed because of inclement weather. That's the entire reasoning for their short-tempered and spiteful backlash. OK, there was a little bit of a misunderstanding with referees but who'd have thought that would awake the Folkestone "masses" from their comatose state and spark them into some sort of life? They're like the zombies in that film '28 Days Later', infected by 'pure rage' (probably caught it from Allan Tait). And if it's anything like the film we should steer well clear of them. I say brick up the Round Hill Tunnel now before White Cliffs Country gets infected. Better give that Millar chap a blood test as well, just to be sure.
For fucks sake! Even if the final decision was delayed a bit there was still sufficient time that they could have walked from Folkestone to Dover and still made it in time for kick-off. But no, they were straight on the phone to the ambulance chasers baying for compensation.
Actually, I don't think it is 'pure rage', I think the enormous weight of expectation that comes with being Kent's eighth best football team has finally got to them and they've collectively snapped. So if you're ever in the district of Shepway and you see a gibbering wreck in a Barnet wannabe's shirt, take pity on them. But be careful, they bite.
Well, no, it was none of those things. They're upset because a second-rate cup match was postponed because of inclement weather. That's the entire reasoning for their short-tempered and spiteful backlash. OK, there was a little bit of a misunderstanding with referees but who'd have thought that would awake the Folkestone "masses" from their comatose state and spark them into some sort of life? They're like the zombies in that film '28 Days Later', infected by 'pure rage' (probably caught it from Allan Tait). And if it's anything like the film we should steer well clear of them. I say brick up the Round Hill Tunnel now before White Cliffs Country gets infected. Better give that Millar chap a blood test as well, just to be sure.
For fucks sake! Even if the final decision was delayed a bit there was still sufficient time that they could have walked from Folkestone to Dover and still made it in time for kick-off. But no, they were straight on the phone to the ambulance chasers baying for compensation.
Actually, I don't think it is 'pure rage', I think the enormous weight of expectation that comes with being Kent's eighth best football team has finally got to them and they've collectively snapped. So if you're ever in the district of Shepway and you see a gibbering wreck in a Barnet wannabe's shirt, take pity on them. But be careful, they bite.
Wednesday, January 07, 2004
Money grabbing bastards
Over the last few months I've had a few gentle digs at some of our local rivals. The Thanet dwellers, the cheeky cockney rascals, the Best Worn bunch, even the no-marks at Ashford. However one club have escaped a mention until now. The disgraceful shower of rip-off merchants at the Northfleet scrap yard.
£10 to get in for a Kent Senior Cup match? Sorry that's just not on. A tenner to watch two reserve teams battle it out in competition that's more Mickey Mouse than a fortnight at Disneyland? Er, no thank you. I'm glad I stayed at home. But I'm livid on behalf of my more afflicted comrades from the River End. You want full price? You give us full strength teams, full commitment and full entertainment, not some watered down, suspension-dodging, half-arsed crap.
Good job we won 3-0. Pity theBeirut Gravesend regulars who pay that price every week.
£10 to get in for a Kent Senior Cup match? Sorry that's just not on. A tenner to watch two reserve teams battle it out in competition that's more Mickey Mouse than a fortnight at Disneyland? Er, no thank you. I'm glad I stayed at home. But I'm livid on behalf of my more afflicted comrades from the River End. You want full price? You give us full strength teams, full commitment and full entertainment, not some watered down, suspension-dodging, half-arsed crap.
Good job we won 3-0. Pity the
Monday, January 05, 2004
Thanet United? Hardly.
Margate Football Club are to change their name to reflect the fact that they no longer ply their trade in Thanet. In recognition of the fact they now play at Dover and only some of their fans can be bothered to turn up, they will be choosing from two alternative names - either "Toofargate" or "Anotherlowgate".
Friday, January 02, 2004
Hydey takes on extra duties
Dover Athletic have announced that goalkeeper Paul Hyde will be taking on some new responsibilities on match days starting this weekend for the match against Worcester City. Manager Richard Langley revealed that Hyde was keen to take on extra duties since he has recently been relieved of his assistant manager's position...and of any need to get involved in stopping the opposition from scoring now that Tony Browne and Danny Chapman are taking care of that themselves. So to keep himself busy Hydey will take over the running of the 'Wingers' tea bar at the Hoverspeed Stadium. Langley added that the club have applied for permission from the Dr. Martens League to field an eleventh outfield player instead of a goalkeeper.
"We really feel that having a goalkeeper is not doing us any favours" said the Whites boss. "The keeper is not getting involved in the match at all. We think we would be better served by having another forward or midfielder instead."
"To be honest Hydey is getting bored back there and we wanted to give him a new challenge, so he's going to take up catering."
While Hyde is busy handing out burgers and cups of tea down by the Centre Spot, Dover's other two goalkeepers will also be pressed into action. Dave Wietecha will be employed as a programme seller whilst Simon Postma is taking on the role of groundsman's assistant.
"We really feel that having a goalkeeper is not doing us any favours" said the Whites boss. "The keeper is not getting involved in the match at all. We think we would be better served by having another forward or midfielder instead."
"To be honest Hydey is getting bored back there and we wanted to give him a new challenge, so he's going to take up catering."
While Hyde is busy handing out burgers and cups of tea down by the Centre Spot, Dover's other two goalkeepers will also be pressed into action. Dave Wietecha will be employed as a programme seller whilst Simon Postma is taking on the role of groundsman's assistant.
Silence is easy
Another unexplained disappearance occurred in the Bemusing Triangle (see below) just before Christmas. It seems that ThanetDwellers.com (or whatever the address is) just vanished without trace. All sorts of conspiracy theories have since surfaced to explain the mystery with some wags suggesting that they are submitting plans to rebuild it and will be sharing Dover's website indefinitely.
In the meantime, the dwindling Margate fan base have decamped to an alternative online home, a site that goes by the touchingly deluded title of 'Forever Hartsdown'. 'Never Hartsdown' might be more appropriate, or 'Not any more Hartsdown' at least. Alternatively, to borrow a title from the Manic Street Preachers, 'Forever Delayed'. I mean it's the least they could do for the Manics after kidnapping and brutally murdering their guitarist (er... allegedly - again see below).
So why did the site disappear? ITK has learned the shocking truth. It seems that 'someone' was busy gleefully deleting everybody's valid opinions on the 'MFC Fans Forum' and got carried away. More and more excited he got, delete...delete...delete...oh yes...oh yes...delete...yes....yes...delete...deeeeeeeeeeleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeete!!!!! By the time the exhausted moderator regained his composure it was too late. He'd gone too far. He'd deleted everything. There wasn't a trace of the website left. But that wasn't all. He'd also deleted all the other important files from the computer. The secret document that explained how a club with less than 500 loyal supporters could afford to build and support a £17 million stadium with an 80 bed hotel was gone too. Worse still, there was no trace of Chris Kinnear's first draft of 'Spongy Pitches and Biased Refs - My Autobiography'. And to top it all the 'Delete' key was totally ****ed after the hammering it had taken.
In the meantime, the dwindling Margate fan base have decamped to an alternative online home, a site that goes by the touchingly deluded title of 'Forever Hartsdown'. 'Never Hartsdown' might be more appropriate, or 'Not any more Hartsdown' at least. Alternatively, to borrow a title from the Manic Street Preachers, 'Forever Delayed'. I mean it's the least they could do for the Manics after kidnapping and brutally murdering their guitarist (er... allegedly - again see below).
So why did the site disappear? ITK has learned the shocking truth. It seems that 'someone' was busy gleefully deleting everybody's valid opinions on the 'MFC Fans Forum' and got carried away. More and more excited he got, delete...delete...delete...oh yes...oh yes...delete...yes....yes...delete...deeeeeeeeeeleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeete!!!!! By the time the exhausted moderator regained his composure it was too late. He'd gone too far. He'd deleted everything. There wasn't a trace of the website left. But that wasn't all. He'd also deleted all the other important files from the computer. The secret document that explained how a club with less than 500 loyal supporters could afford to build and support a £17 million stadium with an 80 bed hotel was gone too. Worse still, there was no trace of Chris Kinnear's first draft of 'Spongy Pitches and Biased Refs - My Autobiography'. And to top it all the 'Delete' key was totally ****ed after the hammering it had taken.
