ITK - The Dover Fan

Sorry, did I miss something? Did Dover Athletic torch an orphanage or mug Neil Cugley's mum or something? Just why are the supporters of Folkestone IsVictims so upset? What apocalyptic event could have provoked the Best Worn die hards in to such vitriolic rage? Is Mick Kemp selling drugs to kids outside Stripes? Did Andy Arnott steal James Dryden's sweets? Is Jamie Day parked on double yellow lines on Cheriton Road?

Well, no, it was none of those things. They're upset because a second-rate cup match was postponed because of inclement weather. That's the entire reasoning for their short-tempered and spiteful backlash. OK, there was a little bit of a misunderstanding with referees but who'd have thought that would awake the Folkestone "masses" from their comatose state and spark them into some sort of life? They're like the zombies in that film '28 Days Later', infected by 'pure rage' (probably caught it from Allan Tait). And if it's anything like the film we should steer well clear of them. I say brick up the Round Hill Tunnel now before White Cliffs Country gets infected. Better give that Millar chap a blood test as well, just to be sure.

For fucks sake! Even if the final decision was delayed a bit there was still sufficient time that they could have walked from Folkestone to Dover and still made it in time for kick-off. But no, they were straight on the phone to the ambulance chasers baying for compensation.

Actually, I don't think it is 'pure rage', I think the enormous weight of expectation that comes with being Kent's eighth best football team has finally got to them and they've collectively snapped. So if you're ever in the district of Shepway and you see a gibbering wreck in a Barnet wannabe's shirt, take pity on them. But be careful, they bite.

Over the last few months I've had a few gentle digs at some of our local rivals. The Thanet dwellers, the cheeky cockney rascals, the Best Worn bunch, even the no-marks at Ashford. However one club have escaped a mention until now. The disgraceful shower of rip-off merchants at the Northfleet scrap yard.

£10 to get in for a Kent Senior Cup match? Sorry that's just not on. A tenner to watch two reserve teams battle it out in competition that's more Mickey Mouse than a fortnight at Disneyland? Er, no thank you. I'm glad I stayed at home. But I'm livid on behalf of my more afflicted comrades from the River End. You want full price? You give us full strength teams, full commitment and full entertainment, not some watered down, suspension-dodging, half-arsed crap.

Good job we won 3-0. Pity the Beirut Gravesend regulars who pay that price every week.

Margate Football Club are to change their name to reflect the fact that they no longer ply their trade in Thanet. In recognition of the fact they now play at Dover and only some of their fans can be bothered to turn up, they will be choosing from two alternative names - either "Toofargate" or "Anotherlowgate".

Dover Athletic have announced that goalkeeper Paul Hyde will be taking on some new responsibilities on match days starting this weekend for the match against Worcester City. Manager Richard Langley revealed that Hyde was keen to take on extra duties since he has recently been relieved of his assistant manager's position...and of any need to get involved in stopping the opposition from scoring now that Tony Browne and Danny Chapman are taking care of that themselves. So to keep himself busy Hydey will take over the running of the 'Wingers' tea bar at the Hoverspeed Stadium. Langley added that the club have applied for permission from the Dr. Martens League to field an eleventh outfield player instead of a goalkeeper.

"We really feel that having a goalkeeper is not doing us any favours" said the Whites boss. "The keeper is not getting involved in the match at all. We think we would be better served by having another forward or midfielder instead."

"To be honest Hydey is getting bored back there and we wanted to give him a new challenge, so he's going to take up catering."

While Hyde is busy handing out burgers and cups of tea down by the Centre Spot, Dover's other two goalkeepers will also be pressed into action. Dave Wietecha will be employed as a programme seller whilst Simon Postma is taking on the role of groundsman's assistant.

Another unexplained disappearance occurred in the Bemusing Triangle (see below) just before Christmas. It seems that ThanetDwellers.com (or whatever the address is) just vanished without trace. All sorts of conspiracy theories have since surfaced to explain the mystery with some wags suggesting that they are submitting plans to rebuild it and will be sharing Dover's website indefinitely.

In the meantime, the dwindling Margate fan base have decamped to an alternative online home, a site that goes by the touchingly deluded title of 'Forever Hartsdown'. 'Never Hartsdown' might be more appropriate, or 'Not any more Hartsdown' at least. Alternatively, to borrow a title from the Manic Street Preachers, 'Forever Delayed'. I mean it's the least they could do for the Manics after kidnapping and brutally murdering their guitarist (er... allegedly - again see below).

So why did the site disappear? ITK has learned the shocking truth. It seems that 'someone' was busy gleefully deleting everybody's valid opinions on the 'MFC Fans Forum' and got carried away. More and more excited he got, delete...delete...delete...oh yes...oh yes...delete...yes....yes...delete...deeeeeeeeeeleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeete!!!!! By the time the exhausted moderator regained his composure it was too late. He'd gone too far. He'd deleted everything. There wasn't a trace of the website left. But that wasn't all. He'd also deleted all the other important files from the computer. The secret document that explained how a club with less than 500 loyal supporters could afford to build and support a £17 million stadium with an 80 bed hotel was gone too. Worse still, there was no trace of Chris Kinnear's first draft of 'Spongy Pitches and Biased Refs - My Autobiography'. And to top it all the 'Delete' key was totally ****ed after the hammering it had taken.

It's Judgement Day and God is evaluating those who will enter the kingdom of heaven for all eternity. After working his way down the list he comes to a trio of Dover Athletic players and asks them to make a case for their entrance into heaven. God says "I am going to ask you what each of you believes and based on your answer I will make my decision".

First up is Jamie Day. God says "tell me Jamie, what do you believe?"

"I believe football to be the food of life. Nothing else brings such unbridled joy to so many people, from the slums of Thanet, to the mansions of River in White Cliffs Country. I have devoted my life to bring such joy to those people who stand on the terraces at Crabble."

God is clearly moved by this answer and, wiping away a tear from his eye with his Dover scarf, he says "Jamie, I would like you to sit here at my right hand for all eternity."

Next God turns his attention to Lee Spiller. "Tell me Lee, what do you believe?"

"I believe in hard work and that people should be rewarded for effort. I have spent my life trying my best and making sure that I achieve everything that I am capable of. I believe I have given everything to try to make loyal Dover supporters happy."

"Excellent!" replies God. "That's exactly the sort of attitude I like to see. I want you to sit here at my left hand for all eternity."

Finally God, sitting on his magnificent throne, flanked to his right by Jamie Day and to his left by Lee Spiller, turns his attention to Craig Wilkins. "And what do you believe Craig?"

"Er, I believe..." says Wilkins, "...that you are sitting in my place."

Q: How do we know that E.T. was a Margate fan?
A: He looks like one.

Q: What's the difference between an Airfix model aeroplane and Margate manager Chris Kinnear?
A: Only one of them is a glueless kit.

Garry Bellamy's ex-apprentice Paul Parker continues his campaign to rebuild Crabble's Conference glory days in a stylish South London setting with the acquisition of another over-the-hill ex-Dover utility player. The short-arse ex-scummer has completed the signing of funny-running Jimmy Strouts. Stroutsy, suspensions permitting, will be playing alongside the only man at Dover who was slower than him, Simon Beard. Parker hopes to utilise Strouts' legendary footballing brain and silky skills to cement his side's place just outside the relegation zone. PVR regulars are confident that Parker will put the final pieces of his jigsaw in place in the next few weeks with the anticipated signings of Dave Leworthy and Steve Restarick.

Why isn't Mark Winter's Dover Express column called 'Walking in a Winter Wonderland'? What's all this 'Hazy Shades' stuff? And as for Mick Cork's 'Touchliner', I think that should be called 'Put a Cork in it, Mick'. Regardless, it's all more memorable than the Mercury. I can't even remember who writes for them. And why is it called the Dover Mercury, other than the fact that it's just a rehashed version of the East Kent Mercury? I mean why name a newspaper after a poisonous metal that's liquid at room temperature? Why not something harmless like aluminium? The Dover Aluminium. Sounds good. Or the Dover Stainless Steel, practical and attractive.

If I were in charge I'd have a Dover newspaper dedicated to the only thing of interest in the town. My beloved DAFC. Scratch that. I'd make it about East Kent non-league football in general. It would be funnier that way. But only proper football teams, none of that Kent League rubbish. The only reason the likes of Deal, Ramsgate and Hythe play on Saturdays is so that you can tell them apart from the Sunday League teams. So that's the mighty Whites, the homeless drifters from Thanet and that shower from the Best Worn Stadium on the other side of the hill. Should we include Ashford Town? I wouldn't.

I'd call it something catchy like 'East Kent Football' or 'Kentish Football Review' or 'The Dover, Shepway and Thanet Football Gazette'. Except that last one would be misleading because there wouldn't actually be anything in it about Thanet football. In fact the only tenuous link to Thanet would be that it would cover both of Dover's senior football clubs, one of which is named after a Thanet town, for some reason that everybody has long since forgotten.

A new feature, like Eastenders but set in the world of East Kent football:

Lanky Folkestone cart horse Mark Munday is feeling a bit under the weather and calls in sick so Neil Cugley goes round to his house to check on him. "What's wrong?" says Cugs to his big midfielder.

"I feel really ill boss, I can't come in to training today" is the reply.

"Don't worry about it, have a rest and come back to training next week" says the caring Folkestone manager.

"OK, cheers boss, but what about me shopping? I've got no food in the 'ouse."

"No problem," says Cugs, "I'll do for it you, just tell me what you need."

"The main thing is potatoes boss. You know, like you tell us to eat to build up our carbohydrates. So just get me a sack of spuds."

"Don't you want something to go with them? Some chicken or some sausages or something?" enquires Cugley.

"No boss, just spuds, I eat 'em raw, I love my spuds."

Confused but unwilling to take the conversation any further Cugley heads of to Sainsbury's to do the shopping. While he's there he bumps into Margate manager Chris Kinnear.

"Hello Neil, what are you doing here?" asks Chris.

"I'm getting a sack of spuds for Mark Munday."

"Really?" says Chris, "sounds like a good deal. Maybe I can swap Graham Porter for a crate of baked beans."

Anyway, Cugley pays for the potatoes, collects his Nectar points and heads out to the car park. While he's putting his trolley back he sees Dover chairman Mick Kemp but before he's had time to say hello Kempy rushes to the assistance of an old lady struggling with her shopping.

"Can you manage dear?" asks Mick.

"Oh no!" replies the old lady, "You got yourself into this mess, you can get yourself out of it."

The shock news from the world of politics is that evil-eyed Folkestone and Hythe MP Michael Howard is set to become leader of the Conservative Party and if the Currant Bun has anything to do with it he'll be this country's next Prime Minister too.

A Folkestone Invicta fan as leader of Her Majesty's Opposition? How can this be allowed to happen? Surely there are safeguards and background checks to prevent this sort of thing? I expect a public inquiry. It's certainly worrying. Yet another entry in the catalogue of bizarre happenings in East Kent (see below).

In Mr. Howard's favour he is at least a football supporter (if you use a suitably vague defintion of the phrase) rather than an egg-chasing public school boy. And he's not from Margate. Or Ashford. He even holds shares in his local team but that team being Folkestone Invicta I'm not sure it's something to be proud of. I bet he never watches from the terraces though (I'd have more respect for him if I'd heard him screaming "Can you hear the Hastings sing? I can't hear a ****ing thing!" at Cheriton Road).

But really, would you feel safe knowing that a Folkestone fan had his index finger on the nuclear button (or any of his 11 other webbed fingers for that matter)? We'd all disappear faster than a controversial posting on the Margate fans forum.

I don't agree with the disgraceful sacking mutually agreed departure of Clive Walker but tomorrow we have to refocus - the boys are back in town. We've got a bitch of a game for the new management team and we all need to be 100% on our game - players, management and supporters. Richard and Patto are the manager and coach of Dover Athletic Football Club. They have done nothing to deserve anything less than our full undivided support. Perhaps we can show the board the meaning of loyalty?

And what about the board? Well that's up to you. Up until now they've seen us right. They will eventually be proved right or wrong in their decision. No need for the "sack the board" chants just yet (anyway, shouldn't that be "get rid of the board by mutual consent"?).

I disagree with some comments on the fans forum about not showing support for Clive tomorrow. I think a chorus of "there's only one Clive Walker" or something similar is entirely justified. He won't be there to hear it but at least some of us can give him a bit of recognition for what he did for us. Of course it should be followed by a rousing rendition of "Richard Langley's black and white army" to show our support for the new man.

See you in the next one (have a good time).

"I love free speech" - G.W. Bush

Well if it's good enough for the self-appointed leader of the free world (don't get me started on that one...), it's good enough for DAFC fans as well.

From today you can tell me and the rest of the world (free or otherwise) exactly what you think about the beacon of online journalistic integrity that is "ITK - The Dover Fan". Click on the "comments" link at the bottom of an article to add your thoughts.

This could be the start of something truly beautiful.

My earlier story about "The Bemusing Triangle" generated some interest in the phenomenon. A certain Mr. Christopher Kinnear of Thanet has taken a particularly strong interest. The Margate manager and ex-Dover boss has vowed to get to the bottom of the mystery. The geometry of The Bemusing Triangle is what really fascinates him. He is apparently particularly intrigued by the concept of "three points".

It seems that a strange phenomenon has emerged in East Kent recently. Somewhat like the Bermuda Triangle only it's a much more perplexing mystery. If you draw lines on a map connecting the towns of Ashford, Dover and Margate (if you are from Ashford you can just scribble on the map, you're not going to follow the rest of this anyway) you will mark out an area of the county where strange things are going on with increasing frequency. This area has come to be known as "The Bemusing Triangle" and is characterised by a number of unexplained disappearances.

Firstly there was the riddle of the Hartsdown Park football stadium in the beautiful seaside town of Margate (well it's beautiful at night...in a power cut...when viewed from 30,000 feet...through the eyes of David Blunkett). One day it was there and few days later it had completely disappeared. A strange happening indeed but it seemed to be an isolated incident - at least until the cover story about rebuilding it was exposed as being untrue.

Secondly, down the coast at Dover, all common sense disappeared over night. Margate were sent to spend their cash at the overgrown train station that is England's premier boom town, Ashford. Something that's harsh even on the Thanet dwellers, sending them to a place that lacks class and culture. OK so Margate lacks class as well but it does have culture, albeit the kind of culture that is best kept refrigerated in a secure laboratory.

One thing led to another and the lack of common sense quickly resulted in the most shocking disappearance of the lot. Dover manager Clive Walker just vanished. Sacked by the board? I don't think so. Where are the board? They've been taken as well. Nobody's seen them. Just a few terse, carefully scripted statements on the website and in the press, they haven't shown their faces because whoever's pulling the strings it's not the trio of sensible football-loving Dover fans that were running the show last week. Something sinister is going on.

The work of extra-terrestrials? A government conspiracy? The Truth Is Out There.

P.S. If "they" come looking for me, you ain't seen me, right?